The Fear of Losing You
by gagirly1
Summary: A one shot between Meredith and Addison. Addison leaves Meredith behind wondering where they went wrong.


At first all I could do was breathe, lie in my empty bed, and breathe. She left, and I died. It was like all I ever wanted, or needed, was gone, like whatever God there is took everything right out of my hands and burned it.

Alex and Cristina came by the house everyday, sat with me in bed, told me all of the gossip that was going around at the hospital, but I never listened to them, I didn't care. Every once in awhile, April would come by, she wouldn't sugar coat things, she would ask me how I was, I would shrug, and then she would sit with me, she wouldn't tell me that everything was going to be fine, and I found a great comfort in that.

In the beginning of our relationship we struggled. We kept it secret for 5 months, but when I screamed out that I loved her in front of the whole hospital, everyone found out. Derek was mad at first, I mean she wasn't with him, and neither was I, but he was still mad. He told us that "the mistress and ex-wife shouldn't fall in love", but we told him that we couldn't change it. My friends were really understandable, Cristina and Alex said that they knew there was something going on. We survived telling people, well not really telling them, but them finding out.

Callie was the one who told me that she had left. I just got done with my first night of being a 5th year resident when Callie came up to me and gave me an envelope. I knew it was her hand writing; and I just stared at for hours before finally reading it.

"I'm sorry. Things aren't working Meredith, you know it and I know it. It wasn't your fault, or mine, things just got to rocky. I'll miss you, and never doubt that I don't love you, because I do. I think it's best if we both just go our separate ways. I'm on a plane right now, hoping that your safe, and that your not breaking down. I got a new job, one that I think I'll love. I just want you to know that I'll be happy, what ever happens, I'm going to be happy, so go on, and be happy too! I love you so much, and these past 3 years have meant so much to me, I just needed a change.

-Yours truly, Addison M."

The first 3 days I held onto, not letting it out of my grasp. I didn't move, I just held the note, and pinched myself, hoping that it was all a dream.

Then, after 3 weeks, I started eating normal again, but I still didn't want to go back to work. Her face was everywhere I walked; my bathroom, the left side of the bed, the kitchen, all of the hallways, and the living room. 90% of her belongings were at my house, which I found hard to believe. She just left, no warning, and didn't take anything with her, besides my soul.

I started to pack her things up on week 6, because I knew she wasn't going to come back home. She had moved on, from everything. Her vanilla scent was almost gone from the bed sheet, so I packed her things up, and put them in the attic.

I went back to work on week 7. I knew I wasn't missing a lot, you never do when you're a 5th year resident. All I missed was the picking of head resident, which ended up being April.

I wasn't really hyped up about being back at the hospital. Whenever I saw a baby, or an expecting mother, I would think of her; she was an OB/GYN, yes, but she also wanted kids, really bad. We hadn't talked about kids until we were in our relationship for a year and a half; she told me that she wanted kids so bad, and I told her that I would think about it. After a week of thinking I decided that I wanted children- only with her though.

When we decided that we wanted to have children, we started taking our relationship to the next level- we started looking at sperm donors, looking at small houses right outside of Seattle.

On May 8, 2009, we found out that she wouldn't be able to have our child. She was a mess that night; I remembered how she cried, told me that she was sorry she couldn't do what a woman was suppose to do. I comforted her, told her that we could adopt, or have a surrogate, and if that didn't work, I would carry the child. She hated the idea of me carrying the child, but when it came down to it, that's what we decided to do.

We planned on going down to L.A. for a week, and I would get artificially inseminated there- she had good friends there that we wanted to see and they had a very good fertility Dr. there. Every week we were canceling flights and hotel rooms. The timing for everything just wasn't right- we barely saw each other- and we thought that maybe we shouldn't have a baby just yet. We let go of the 3 bedroom house we were going to buy, and we never got to have a baby. Which now, I wish we did have a baby, because then we would have a family, she would be here, and we would be happy.

The last time I tried calling her was week 9. I called everyday for the past 9 weeks, leaving messages and telling her how much I love and miss her; I knew she was never going to pick up, but I just liked hearing her voice when it went to her voice mail, telling me she can't pick up the phone, and that she would try to call when she could- part of my hoped that she would actually call back, but she never did. So I quite calling her, and I just let life go on.

By week 12 I let go, completely. I quite talking to a lot of people, I went back to not eating, I didn't leave the hospital, and I didn't shower. On week 12, I also forced Callie to tell me where she is. It took 3 minutes of talking to Callie, and telling her that I needed her address before she finally gave it up. I left work early the next day, and made my way down to her... Which is in California.

My story stops there. Because right now I stand at the doorstep of 101 Oregon Beach Drive, which is her beach house.

I just stand there for a few seconds, just breathing. Part of me doesn't want to ring the door bell; what if this isn't her house? What if she found someone new? What if she doesn't want to see me? And part of me does want to ring the door bell. 2 seconds of seeing her face would be better than never seeing her face again. To say I love you one last time. Anything.

I ring the door bell- 'Fight or Flight?'. My hand starts shaking when I lower it. My heart rate picks up. My vision becomes blurry. My face becomes wet from tears. The door handle wiggles a little and then she appears.

We don't say anything, we just stare at each other. Her eyes are rimmed red, her hair is up in the bun that I always thought was cute, she's wearing a red and grey plaid pajama set, and is wearing blue slippers. The silence breaks when I ask a shaky-breathed question.

"Do I even exist anymore?"

"I- um, of course," she says quietly.

"Then why on the hell did you leave. I mean yeah, we were going through a rough patch, Addison. But I just don't get how you could have left, just like that," tears start steaming down her face, and tears come down from my eyes, too. "You could have just said that you weren't happy or whatever, and then left. I- I-"

"I'm sorry," Addison interrupts me. I look at her with furry, love, hate, lust. "I didn't know how to tell you. I was letting go, falling apart. I couldn't help falling down, and I hated that," she looks up at the sky, as if asking for an answer to her nonexistent question. "I listened to every single one of your voice mails, and I cried, a lot. I wanted to call you back, or just come back home all together, but I was scared. I thought that maybe, maybe you didn't love me anymore, even though you said each time in your voice mail, that you loved me," she stops talking and takes a deep breath in. I take a step forward and wrap her in my arms, a hug that is well needed.

"I missed you," I whisper into her shoulder.

"God I missed you, too," she says, stepping back from the hug. She grabs my hands and looks down at them. "I'm sorry," she whispers.

"I know. I am, too," I tell her. She looks down at me and smiles. I don't see it coming when she leans in and presses her lips softly against mine. Her lips are always soft, taste good, and have this feeling of pure desire, and love.

That night Addison and I make love for hours. We don't tell each other were sorry anymore, we just make love. We repair our love. We fix the love.

 **6 Years later**

 **(Addison Perspective)**

"Okay Mia and Teddy, you have to be super quiet, Mommy's still sleeping," I tell our 3 year old daughter. Teddy follows behind us, his loud feet in his dinosaur slippers sliding against the floor.

When I open the bedroom door, Meredith is still sound asleep, her face as cute as it always is, and her hair a mess. Mia giggles, and Teddy rolls his eyes at the sight of his mom.

"Okay Mia, go wake Mommy up," I bend down and whisper into her orange curly locks. I let go of her hand, she runs to my side of the bed, and pokes Meredith's face making Teddy and I giggle. Meredith starts to peak her eyes open, and smiles when she sees all of us.

"Mama says you has to get up Mommy," Mia whispers to her. Meredith smiles and sits up, her back leaning against the bed frame.

"Happy birthday ya old fart," Teddy screams jumping onto the bed, and laughing. Meredith's jaw opens wide and she looks directly at me.

"I did not teach him that," I tell her, laughing. Although secretly, when Teddy wouldn't wake up I told him that if he gets up he'll get to call Meredith an old fart.

"Happy birthday Mommy," Mia whispers. I walk over to the bed and climb onto it, sitting next to Mia who sits next Meredith.

"Mia why are you whispering?" Teddy asks, scrunching up his 6 year old little face.

"The baby sleeping," she says, bringing her forefinger to her mouth to 'shh' everyone. I look at Meredith and giggle. I reach across Mia and put my hand on Meredith's tummy, which is barely a pregnancy belly, it's more like an 'ugh I ate to much belly'.

"Boo Hoo Mia, I'm going to be loud, because that's what big boys do," he tells her, shaking his butt at her. Mia sticks her tongue out, which alarms both me and Meredith.

"Hey, where did you learn that?" Meredith asks looking down at Mia.

"Teddy," she says innocently. I raise my eyebrow and look at Teddy, who looks like he's about to poop his pants.

"Well Mia, you better go chase him and tell him what a naughty boy he is," I tell her. She smiles at me and starts to wiggle her way out of the bed and starts to chase Teddy, who's already starting to run down the hallway.

I turn to Meredith who is smiling widely at the door. I follow her actions, a smile appearing on my face. She turns her head towards me, and I scoot closer.

"Happy birthday," I whisper. I give her a soft kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you," she replies, whispering. I lean in again and kiss her lips, soft, sweet. I put my hand on her ever so small baby bump, and we both smile.

"Mia you can't play with my dinosaur," we hear Teddy yell. Meredith breaks the kiss and looks at me. She puts her bottom lip out, pouting.

"Were never going to have sex again," she pouts. I shake my head in disagreement- we always made time to make love.

"Well, tonight, April is taking the kids, so we can have all the sex we want," I tell her, placing a soft kiss on her collarbone. Her frown turns into a huge smile, and just then we start to hear Mia crying.

"Happy birthday to me," Meredith sings softly to herself, rolling her eyes.

"Oh, you love being a mommy," I tell her.

"That is true!"


End file.
